I love Pink Floyd for a variety of reasons, and this song in particular for it's soaring solo, but I speak of it because the title states so clearly how I feel right now. My material needs are met by the grace of my ex-wife, but I am numb from the pain of separation, depression, my heart run"through a blender." I have hurt so many people in my search for happiness and to rid myself of my past self-concepts. I apologize unreservedly to all my family, friends, and to someone very special. I never meant to hurt any of you, and I love you all!! Please forgive me.
I am trying to renew and re-invent myself, find the courage to go on and leave weakness behind. I try to regain some faith and hope, but they are elusive. I just keep climbing.
Sanity now! I know, I twisted the phrase some, but that is how I see my daily life right now-getting a grip on my emotions. It is a struggle at least, monumental some days, but I am gaining ground. I will soon be working, hopefully, and that will ease some of my concerns. But right now in the desert I see grey skies and feel cold winds, and they remind me of February, of mourning, of loss.
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Everything you feel, everything you write, it's all about you. This is exhausting, your voicemail messages, your letters in the mail. Do you think I want to know that you love me still? I do not. Do you think I need to know it? I do NOT. It hurts me, understand? You made your decision. You left me and you cut me out of your life. To survive that, I had to cut you out of my heart. Not my decision, but you forced my hand, understand? Don't tell me again that you love me. You are not welcome in my life. Go on with your decisions - sleep in the bed you've made. And change your address with your bank and your insurance company. It's ridiculous that I am still receiving your mail. You've had plenty of time, and you obviously do not care but I want you to know that it hurts me to see your name in my mailbox. Do you understand that? You left me, so follow through with it and be gone. Please, be gone. "Special someone"? You slay me. My name from your lips, my visage in your heart -- I want them gone. Damn you.
How did it get to this? It’s not my anger I want you to understand, it’s my pain that I wish you would acknowledge. You write that you’ve been through so much that I cannot comprehend. I understand a lot more about you than you now give me credit for – and you know it to be true. But I too have been through so much and it hurts that you do not acknowledge that. Do you blame me now? Is that it? Do you resent me? I am sorry for loving you in October, for my part in that. I’ve loved you my whole life, seeing you would of course breathe life into that emotion. In November, you came to me and I opened my heart and my life, my home to you. I did so out of love and belief. I believed you and I believed in you. And I supported your emotions both positive and pained. And we went through some times together but all positive and growing, evolving. Being cut from your life is more pain than I knew I could carry. One day you lived here, that night we made love, and in the morning, you left. And I’ve had to pick up a million pieces of my heart and shattered dreams and tarnished memories. It has been a grueling uphill battle. And all the more so because even though you have cut me out of your life, you drop into mine on occasion. And I don’t know what to do with that because on one hand it lets this little flicker of hope live when you say you love me and want to come home, or that you miss me, and on the other hand it makes me feel so helpless because the avenue of communication is one-sided and up to you.
Every single day I wake up and ask for strength, every single day I search out some beauty, some truth, and I try to let them in and heal the hurt and put positive where pain lives. But every single day I also miss you and I wonder how you are, and I have no idea. It’s not as if I can do anything with it, I just feel this enormous and broken place within me and I can’t escape it, so carry it as the part of me that it is. It’s hard; it’s real hard, adjusting to your absence, not only of your living here with me but of our phone calls the past six years, of knowing you and having the gift of you in my life. And I try not to feel like a fool, but sometimes I do. And, yes, I do get angry. At me and at you. At believing we could have the dream. At having the dream. At killing the dream. At you for cutting me out of your life as if I were some piece of paper to discard. I know you are rebuilding your life, but I need you to know that I have to do so as well. That losing you took that much from me. I’ve had the dream of you for more than half my life. You never had faith in you, but I always did, understand, and I always loved you. It’s a lot to have realized, even if only for a handful of months, and then just-like-that, have it gone. I don't know because you haven't said but I think that part of why you do this is that you’ve been told to have no contact with me – but that’s not facing it, only hiding from it, and what that has done is hurt me all the more because it's left me to deal with this by myself. And the action once again shuts me out, and shoves your feelings down. I always wanted better for you. And for me.
If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you, I'll always love you.
That is the truth. Yours and mine.
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