What could have been..

May 17....a cold rainy day that matches my mood. Something warm and beautiful was to happen...I remember.

Comfortably Numb

I love Pink Floyd for a variety of reasons, and this song in particular for it's soaring solo, but I speak of it because the title states so clearly how I feel right now. My material needs are met by the grace of my ex-wife, but I am numb from the pain of separation, depression, my heart run"through a blender." I have hurt so many people in my search for happiness and to rid myself of my past self-concepts. I apologize unreservedly to all my family, friends, and to someone very special. I never meant to hurt any of you, and I love you all!! Please forgive me.

I am trying to renew and re-invent myself, find the courage to go on and leave weakness behind. I try to regain some faith and hope, but they are elusive. I just keep climbing.

Sanity now! I know, I twisted the phrase some, but that is how I see my daily life right now-getting a grip on my emotions. It is a struggle at least, monumental some days, but I am gaining ground. I will soon be working, hopefully, and that will ease some of my concerns. But right now in the desert I see grey skies and feel cold winds, and they remind me of February, of mourning, of loss.

a morning jolt

Somebody shoot me. I wish I were dead. I woke up this morning and thought I was with her in Houston, and then I realized I am not, and it broke me in half. Then, to read of another poisonous note slipped into a package.....!! My God, cruelty without bounds...from a Christian! Elke, I am so sorry. Put away her poison and see it for what it is. 143

If you can take his heart..

A line from one of those Rocky movies says," if you can take his heart, you will beat him." It is the trainer's voice from in the corner...and a lesson in how to destroy someone from the inside. I have done that, or at least caused a grievous injury, and I am "gutted." Take a man's heart and you have beaten him without a single blow. But...

there is a love waiting, a love that wafts through a man's heart as the scent of spring roses...a love that is bottomless as a glacial lake-cool, clear, timeless....a love that is white-hot and blue, burning eternally, giving out it's heat to the one as it consumes itself...joyously.

There is a hope that begs to stretch it's wings and fly on the breath of an unborn child, dreaming herself into life. She has a name and I have seen her in my slumbers.

There is a day, a very special day chosen from thin air by one who cannot reason but waits for her own demise. It has a number-517. Two would be joined on that day, burned together as one for eternity, cooled by the healing patient waters, solid, impermeable as stone...forever in embrace.

And there is a faith newly seeded, grown up from suffering by love's promise as a new sapling of a Sequoia pulls itself up to greet the sun.

Forever this love, this hope, this faith resides in his heart for her and for them. Forever is calm in the wanting, for time is spinning and change is blowing across the distance...to return.

What Happened...?

February 9.....and another amputation. Backed into a corner, I felt I had no other choice. I am doing the right thing, morally, but I have left in my wake a badly broken heart...one I have loved for almost 30 years. She will go on, but I cannot say goodbye. Uncertain of the future, I try to repair the damage here not knowing what will come of it.
She is that most magical of women-kind, compassionate, generous, loving, funny, smart, beautiful inside and out. She is also strong-willed, driven, creative, energetic, fun-loving.
I miss her terribly, and I hope for healing and peace.

Winter...and living is like Seattle

I sit blogging silently, gazing out the window at grey clouds hanging like a dirty curtain over a grey street in a grey neighborhood stealing itself back from dilapidation, and I am stir-crazy. Winter here in my childhood was much brighter, or perhaps it was my youth and optimism that brightened my skies. All I know is that I hate it now. I long these days for a sunnier part of the state. The dark wet forest creeps into my mood.
Loneliness and boredom are the hobgoblins of depression. Insidiously, they slip in behind open doors and warm feelings and spread their feelers looking for a day like today....a dark day when motivation is lacking, sleep is impossible, and hope is a dull ache in the back of the head.
Between jobs I am trying to write music I do not consciously know how to write and find words to express my fears, joys, flaws...tell better stories than the ones I've heard.
But there is nothing new under the sun, and I can't see it anyway.

The bobbing blonde....

No, this is not pornographic!!! I sit across from my beloved as she blogs in earnest, about what I can only hazard a guess now. She raises her eyebrows...nods....wrinkles her nose...grins. She clearly enjoys what she has to say and it gives her comfort. I love watching her do this. It makes me happy to see her so engrossed...lost in her thoughts...bobbing, as if she were boxing with her imagination. The tone sounds, the screen snaps into lockdown....and she has won this battle.